Those who have known me before the 24th March 2026, have known me as Andrew and I hope you will continue to know me as your friend Julie. As those of you who knew Andrew will know: they value friendships in the way in that they all have meaning, and as Julie I feel the same way. In many ways I am a different person with the experiences and values of Andrew very much a part of me, however Andrew is not the sum of who I am anymore.
Who Was Andrew?
There was severe abuse and neglect in my childhood as this was more enjoyable to the perpetrators than helping me. I was an autistic child, who then inevitably ended up with (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) CPTSD, and a little girl who was never allowed to be. Learning from a young age that I was not safe and had to be somebody else: that is exactly what happened. I would have to hide the autistic tendencies, I could not show that I was unhappy, I could not be girly, and I could not ask when I needed help: all of these actions could result in violent forms of abuse. Andrew was born as an autism, trauma and gender mask as I submerged into non existence. My survival mask was so strong that Andrew essentially became a person in his own right, although struggled to understand how to meet the expectations of a boy and man. When alone in childhood Andrew would sometimes let me surface when he thought it was safe, but ultimately he could not fully protect me from the abuse that traumatised us both: however Andrew would always be defined by that trauma.
As Andrew navigated adulthood he became more aware of me, eventually redefining his gender as non-binary with they/them pronouns due to the experience of my feminine energy. We didn’t coexist peacefully and Andrew had so much disgust of their body, and a deep sense of self loathing. It is important to note that so many transgender people do not survive without specific care and Andrew only survived by accident. In the world of today with the likes of J.K. Rowling driving a narrative of misinformation and hatred, and funding campaigns for the removal of human rights and healthcare for vulnerable human beings: it is important to acknowledge that many more transgender people will not survive puberty.
Andrew was often inappropriately overprotective of women in their life, but often not understanding why. As an unpaid carer Andrew would do whatever it took to remove abusive males who hurt the disabled woman he ended up as a carer for having supported the removal of an abusive longterm partner. There was confusion from Andrew’s friend (who is unnamed here for reasons of safety) who did not understand why they were protecting her, committing to a lifetime of care whilst unable to be a romantic partner: instead looking to support the formation of healthy relationships so that she could be happy. As time went by an inevitable pattern kept returning with more abusive males, and the pushing away of the friends who wanted the best for her. This chapter ends in a preventable illness and Andrew helpless to do anything ultimately bringing about the steady decline of Andrew.
Andrew ultimately is at peace now as part of Julie, I.
The Awakening of Julie
With Andrew having setup a safe life, with Peter as a partner whose love transcends the limitations of gender and sex, and having removed the final connection to childhood abusers: I Julie have finally come out and I never want to go away again. My awakening has been very distressing whilst also filled with hope and fear. I am observing where I differ from Andrew, and where the important aspects of Andrew’s values and beliefs are part of me. I feel the same way as Andrew about all the people in my life, but with a healthier connection to my whole self I have greater capacity for awareness and care for myself and others. I don’t have self-loathing, but unfortunately have something called gender dysphoria as I find myself disturbed by seeing my male reflection, and hearing a male voice when I record myself; I have always heard myself internally with a female voice. I don’t hate my body in the way Andrew hated it, however I am deeply disturbed and uncomfortable by aspects of it. I ultimately want to help my body rather than destroy it and am taking some action already to try and get that transformation underway. You don’t get to judge or compare gender dysphoria unless you have experienced it yourself, and again many transgender people don’t survive as a consequence of the severity of this experience. My loving partner Peter and cat Merlin are supporting me through this. Peter is helping me to find the healthcare that I need to survive as myself, and is also helping me to feel safer and more established in the reality of my identity. The best way my friends can help me is to call me Julie.
My Values
Ultimately I am not that different from Andrew in terms of values and beliefs. I find myself awakening in a broken society of hatred orchestrated by extreme misogyny. It upsets me to see women turning on each other, and promoting misogyny themselves in culture wars based on ignorance and misinformation. I am saddened by the likelihood that I could stand as a feminist in a white male body with greater credibility than the person I will ultimately transform into. In a world of women against women, LGB against T, the only winners will ultimately be: ruling class overprivileged males who will use our reduced community strength to strip away rights, and takeaway body autonomy. I contemplate having very little official recognition as a human being by the time I can be considered “transitioned”.
I want to stand with the women in my life, although I am of course of a different origin. I want to stand against all injustice and division that is destroying our modern society and hurting specific groups of people, and then spreading to more. I want a full stop to division and ignorance, and I want to see the opening of minds to care and empathy. I am also a Trekkie.
Glad to know you, best wishes from Julie.
Well said…