This is the true story of Andrew, a racist homophobic & transphobic individual who I cannot stand, but perhaps understand. This is the Andrew who hates all Micheal Jackson music. The Andrew writing this is in a longterm same-sex relationship, chooses friends based on shared values and interest without the influence of cultural biases, this Andrew went though a traumatic puberty and is in urgent need to take gender affirming action. These are not physically two different Andrew’s, but the same person at different stages in life.

Andrew the Fairy

In truth the idea of being a fairy is just fine with me: A benevolent, mischievous and magical being, what could be lovelier? As a toddler my mother spend most of he life either sleeping whilst clearly suffering from depression, or standing by whilst her husband maintained a relentless campaign of humiliation, psychological, physical, and other sickening forms of abuse upon me. Unfortunately my mothers husband is my biological father which sickens me to this day; this is why I refer to that disgusting creature as my mothers husband only. Andrew the fairy had to be extinguished by this Freddie Mercury fan, who loves the music video I Want to Break Free , believed that “the world would be a better place if we just left auld Adolf to gas the jews and the gays”, had to under all circumstances prevent me form becoming gay and acting like a fairy, with slobbering allover my face and body being a punishment, and a real life monster visiting me in my dark bedroom at nights. I had a friend at primary school who had a strong creative energy and a love of art and music. I was introduced to the music of “Micheal the fairy”, or to any civilised person: Micheal Jackson. Micheal Jackson apparently looks like a girl and I cannot enjoy his music as this makes me a big fairy: the campaign of humiliation, and abuse would ensue until Michael the Fairy was purged from my system, but ultimately the abuse didn’t stop.

I have a memory of spending a day out with my auntie, my mothers husbands sister. I remember vaguely something wrong about a conversation in the car as suddenly I could not listen to the music that we’d previously enjoyed together. I have a much more vivid memory of the scene and conversation later: my aunt and I were in a country park of some kind, there was a suspension bridge and we were having a horrible argument where I was shouting about how “I hate Micheal the fairy!”. My auntie wanted me to stop referring to Micheal Jackson as “Micheal the fairy”, I just had to say “I don’t like Micheal Jackson” if this was how I felt: I could not say that! The conversation only ended when my auntie thought she heard me say I don’t like Micheal Jackson, but in truth she just misheard and the conversation ended. This memory was significantly as this was the time at a single digit age that I had started to take on the identity imposed on me by my abuser; this was now permanent survival mode and the establishment of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that irreparably changed my behaviour, destroying my childlike innocence and curiosity, and made a version of me that I can barely stand to look at.

Throughout Andrew’s home life and education there were relentless campaigns to conform this child to their genitalia, rather than the whole person they were ment to be. Andrew had to embody the imposed beliefs and express this conformity often in the same terms they were presented: homophobic, misogynistic (because straight boys are supposed to hate girls), and transphobic with various forms of abuse available on failure to express those beliefs.

The Reality of Andrew

The hateful version of Andrew was little more than a simulated personality of a child trying to survive, or in fact a mask; where an autistic person conforms their behaviour often to personal detriment. This mask was to hide: autistic traits, effects of CPTSD, and to simulate male gender. Unfortunately the mask got so well establish that its application became subconscious, self harm and suicidal thoughts became a prominent part of that existence.

Partial Evolution of Andrew

In adult life the mask was still very much locked into place, however parts were starting to break away as my long repressed nature found little ways to assert itself. When away from parents Andrew seemed to be forming a very female centric friendship base, Andrew felt welcomed and at ease with women whilst not feeling particularly drawn to cis gendered men. When Andrew started to meet gay and queer people, it was with interest in the individuals, what makes them who they are, and Andrew enjoyed learning about the wonders of diversity, with enthusiasm about what makes us all so unique, and what makes every individual special. Andrew’s fascination for the people they met extended to all people despite having been heavily conditioned to hate difference. Andrew in many ways was even more interested in people of differing cultures and origins with a strong desire to learn and reflect on beliefs. Unfortunately much of this was still behind the mask and that programming would continue to create difficulties.

The Phantom Gay Identity

Andrew had many women in their social circle yet none of these friendships had romantic or sexual potential. There was peer pressure from males who believed that Andrew had to get sexually active with a woman, yet Andrew did not have this strong male desire which could have influenced the ability to exist happily and peacefully in female circles. Finally Andrew experienced situations where attractions could occur towards males with a longing to romantically connect with a single male life companion. As Andrew would discover there were difficulties with this perceived gayness, and ultimately experienced a lot of emotional pain trying fully to connect with gay men. Although Andrew may have been freed from the deeply conditioned homophobia imposed by school educators and parents, Andrew came to the realisation that romance with a gay man was never going to satisfactorily work out. Andrew came to the conclusion that it would be better to seek a female partner for romance, as Andrew needs female energy to feel more complete. Suffice to say that Andrew did very little other than make a complete fool of themselves and regretted destroying what could have been meaningful friendships.

Investigating Gender & Internalised Transphobia

Andrew had worked out that their energy was not entirely that of a man, and certainly not a gay man. Failed searches for romance were revealing that Andrew wanted to feel feminine in intimacy, and was already feeling their female energy in other areas of life. One of the reasons that Andrew felt so empty when attempting intimate relations with gay men is that gay men are ultimately looking for :men! Andrew wanted to feel like a woman, and to be seen and treated as such which ultimately is completely incompatible with the concept of a gay relationship where a man loves a man.

Transphobia was a very tough barrier for Andrew to break through, but yet again the pattern repeated: Andrew met some transgender people, wanted to learn about the person and their uniqueness, and on a level even learned a little bit about Andrew in the process. Andrew was at the stage now of being deeply affected by the injustices and struggles that transgender people are struggling through. Going from “it defies nature” Andrew was now getting upset about the unavailability of life saving interventions like pharmaceuticals that can delay a traumatic puberty and help prevent suicides, almost like there was a deeper and more personal understanding. Of course Andrew was only feeling for others and was simply a non-binary person, and not considering their personal experience to be definable as “transgender”. There was still a little more action required for the mask of Andrew to drop entirely.

The Final Severance

Andrew maintained contact with their mother in a regrettably limited fashion as the family home was a traumatic place to be, and involuntary physiological trauma symptoms arise when around my mother’s husband. Despite explaining the trauma to my mother, she would downplay the shocking revelations, go back to her delusion of a happy marriage despite her husband trying to covertly date other women online, and using his driving school to form connections with teenage girls outside of their driving lessons. Andrew was ready for action and to look after his mother through the difficulties of a divorce and hoped that together they would fight for justice and heal together. Ultimately Andrew’s mother was more interested in a wood burning stove, TV, and other possessions, and chose to stand by her waste of space husband: to do this she would live in denial of the abuse that I was subjected to, and even the psychological abuse that she was subjected to as a “stupid woman”, or “silly cow” amongst some of the descriptions shouted down at her while she was crying.

Ultimately Andrew’s mother chose the illusion of a successful marriage and having a wonderful son, despite this son having recently attempted to explain that they don’t identify with the binary male gender, to which her answer was: “I’ve never seen anything feminine about you!”.

The final family severance occurred when Andrew could not maintain the required mask to keep meeting my mother, resulting is autism induced shutdowns which were downplayed as “having a quiet period”. With no energy or ability to resume masking Andrew severed the last family connection, that to their mother, and felt the emotional consequence intensely.

Andrew Ends, and Julie Finds Her Name

Devastated, exhausted and burnt out: the mask of Andrew started to dissipate, which was actually a peaceful process. The pain and suffering of Andrew’s existence was fading away, then a repressed girl started to surface. At age 41 in my safe home with Peter and Merlin; a cat who exists beyond the limitations of gender perception, I found myself without a name and in a body that disturbs me; a male body! I found myself becoming fully conscious without the mask of Andrew, like I had been put at the controls of my life for the first time. Peter was with me during my very intense and frightening awakening, we navigated it together, Peter comforted me as my repressed tears came out, and on one morning when Peter woke up I told him that my name is Julie.

Understanding Andrew

Andrew attempted suicide and had they succeeded: I Julie would have been gone too. Andrew wanted to die, but I don’t believe they ever wanted me to die as a consequence. I am the little autistic girl who was protected by the Mask of Andrew. Andrew tried to let me out in private but soon learned that there was no privacy or safety in the family home pre-puberty when my mother’s pervert husband applied full control over my helpless naked body in my bedroom, Andrew knew that I could never safely exist in that home. Andrew was not there to oppress me but rather to save me!

I have was always been part of Andrew, the mask of Andrew was ultimately my autistic response to the constant danger I was in. Andrew felt the the horrors of a male puberty, found a used razor in a bin and attempted to remove all body hair, my mother who had previously ridiculed me about my leg hair didn’t even question where it had gone, or show any concerns about the fact that I didn’t have my own razor, or that I hadn’t even been taught how to shave safely, not that that safety is possible when using a disposed of blade from a random stranger: suicide attempts, electrical and chemical were subsequently attempted; the importance of puberty blockers and gender affirming care cannot be understated which is why I share this on the internet for all to read.

Andrew was riddled with self-loathing and wanted to die yet did what was necessary for me to survive, Andrew ultimately saved me. As Julie I hold Andrew with compassion and love, Andrew can rest at peace now as part of who I am, and understanding where the worst parts of Andrew came from leaves me wondering how many people with malformed belief systems could identify with my experience.

What Can Be Learned

I started working on this page as Andrew, and am finishing it as Julie. I have reflected on the worst parts of myself. I regret any hurt I have caused others who I have come into contact with I’m my life, and apologies without the need for excusal or forgiveness.

This publicly viewable page exists as a demonstration of how conditioning affects the development of a child, and how they may remain affected into adult life. My experience is mine alone however similarities may show up in other survivors and we need to take note to protect children. If the message isn’t clear: forcing binary gender ideals upon children can have fatal consequences, and censoring the existence of transgender people will not prevent transgender children from being born, but will definitely have a detrimental effect on their mental health. Consider what you do to future generations when you choose to vote “Reform UK”, the deaths that you will contribute to!

Let children be children!

See the whole child and not their genitalia!

Stop enforcing the idea of binary gender linked to sex!

Let every child discover who they are and support them to thrive!